Picture a muffin…

You may be wondering, since we are between the ages of 13 and dead and female, if we have read the Twilight series. Julie has not (having been forewarned); Jess has. Jess read them because she loves series and they were like looking at a car wreck. For four books. She also wanted to see when the hard fucking would start, but was disappointed when she realized that the author was a Mormon. No hard fucking, just foreplay. It’s a national, best-selling game of “just the tip”.

Julie wanted to know what the series was about, so she asked Jess. Jess described the books at first in the terms of literary analysis.

“They’re fucking shit. The first is supposed to loosely follow Pride and Prejudice. The second is Romeo and Juliet, followed by Wuthering Heights and Merchant of Venice. But, you know, shitty.”

Julie’s eyes glazed over after “they’re fucking shit”, so she asked her cousin, Thomas, for a synopsis. Thomas has been known to say that his porn star name would be “Dewy Delectable” and his porn would be called “Between the Covers”. He’s a librarian; not a porn star. He seemed like the right man for the job. Thomas started with the analogy “picture a muffin” because he figured that would hold her interest longer. He was wrong this time. She glazed over again.

Julie asked Jess to explain the series for a second time, but to also incorporate Thomas’s device. Her hair was curly and she promised to pay attention this time. The following was what we were able to piece together between the three of us.

Picture a muffin. It is the best looking muffin you have ever seen, and you know it will be the most delicious muffin that you will ever eat. You can’t eat the muffin because you are in love with it. No, you have to protect the muffin from those who would eat it and from the muffin’s bestie who wants to fuck it. The muffin’s best friend is a cupcake and you are at war with the cupcakes.

You successfully protect the muffin from those who would eat it, and you have an awkward moment where the cupcake feels up your muffin. Everything is shiny and you get to marry your muffin. The muffin coerces you into fucking it and you knock the muffin up. Problem! The mini muffin is killing your muffin. From the inside! The muffin is pro-life, so you have to wait for the mini muffin to spawn while watching the muffin die. You strike up a deal with the cupcake that it can kill you if the muffin dies. You are bereft because your muffin is starting to look like it was left in your backseat for a while.

Mini muffins have a short gestation, so the birth arrives quickly. The mini muffin murders its way out of your precious muffin. It now looks like you left the muffin in your purse for a few months. You are able to piece the muffin back together and make it indestructible. Let’s say you mixed the pieces with plaster and reformed it.

The cupcake takes one look at your mini muffin and says, “Dibs.” They are now in love and will spend the rest of their shelf life together. You and your muffin have to have a staring contest with some folks that think that mini muffins are an abomination, but nothing really comes of that. You, the muffin, the mini muffin, and the cupcake live happily ever after. The End.

Julie now understands what the series is about. She still won’t read it because Jess won’t let her. They may go see the new movie when it comes out because Jess and the Internet described the first one as a comedy. We just enjoy laughing at ridiculous premises and commenting on how empty everybody looks. Check back later for our review of the flick (if we see it and if we ever recover from the murder-giggles).

-Jess & Julie

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