Christmas Recap

We’ve been out of commission for a while. Julie had finals and I had to cheer her on. I’m supportive like that. We talked it over this morning before we both passed out in my bed, and I shall provide a Christmas recap to get us rolling again.

This Christmas was rather uneventful for me. I went to my momma’s house and she pulled the classic “Joi celebrates the holidays” move. I was shoved out the door within two hours with a lunch bag of steak and lasagna and two Nerf guns. We’ve been having Nerf wars. We’ll tell you about them later. We like to tease sometimes. I went to Christmas with the Internet’s family yesterday and they were wonderful as usual. All in all, a snooze fest compared to our usual hijinks. I’m going to provide highlights from my more ridiculous Christmases to make up for the fact that I had a lovely one this year. Enjoy, chumps.

We had a Christmas party/dinner last year. The Internet trained to be a chef, so his food is what they would serve in secular heaven. We decided to make a giant ham and our power went out. We ended up eating at 3 am. It was delicious but Julie and I had to make a White Castle run to hold us over.

My grandma gave me a half-used bottle of Jean Nate bubble bath when I was seven. It came from her dresser and I had to put it back when my mom went to work. She forgot about me that year.

My ex-boyfriend gave me a book that I already owned a few years back. We were an awful couple that should have never existed, so this was to be expected in some way. I had lent him my copy of the book. He bought me another copy. We got into a huge fight when I reminded him that my copy was on his nightstand. He called me a liar even after I showed him that my name was written inside the one he had. We broke up shortly there after because we realized that we hated each other.

My aunt gave me tape 5 of the Ernie Kovacks box set when I was four years old. It was very confusing for me and my mother never let me watch it.

I am forbidden from ever watching the movie Prancer because I did not behave myself when we went to the theater to see it. I was maybe three. My mom will still call me if the movie is on tv to remind me that I am not allowed to ever, ever, ever see that movie for the rest of my life. She is very serious about her punishments. I will not defy her.

Julie, myself and our friend whom we shall call Rico started a new Christmas Eve tradition this year. It entailed eating cold tamales in my car while driving around for a place that was open and served coffee. We sang pop songs loudly in the hatchback and ended up at Denny’s. It was magical.

We are going to have our holiday party soon where Julie and I will try and make over 50% of the dishes with goat cheese. Com Ed, you’ve been put on notice. Nicor, same goes to you.

-Jess

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