She shouldn't have gone back for seconds.

I spent the afternoon with my momma yesterday. It was quite pleasant, but it was greatly improved by my aunt returning home from work. She was very excited to recount a story that she wanted me to write about, and she said that she made a point to remember every detail “as if she were me.” If you haven’t guessed by now, we are a Sedaris family.

My mother’s oldest sister collects shells. She has been studying them since she was very young and has amassed a rather formidable collection. I don’t understand the need to collect, but I’ve chosen to equate it to Magic cards. It’s always really awesome to open a new pack, and you just might get the card that revolutionizes your deck. Maybe that’s how she feels about shells? My aunt has also been a member of the Chicago Shell Club for more than a decade now.

My mom and my Aunt Sue had to go with her to the recent Christmas party. My mom was feeling ill after dinner, so Aunt Sue suggested that they 86 the rest of the night so that my mom could go home and sack out. They left without saying any good-byes because they did not want to call attention to themselves. I did not inherit this trait from them, and I have elected to co-own a website as a result. My mother is beloved by all who meet her, so there was a woman who noticed her absence. This woman, we will call her Eileen since I didn’t pay attention to her actual name, asked my other aunt about where my mom ran off to during their last meeting. The conversation went something like this:

Eileen: “So where did your sister go during the Christmas party? I wanted to catch up with her because she always has something funny to say, but I didn’t get the chance to talk to her before dinner.”

My aunt: “Oh. Joi had to leave because she was having cancer.”

My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree at this point. My mom and aunt started laughing hysterically as I struggled to find words. This raised a whole host of questions for me. The first thing I was able to say was, “So…did you order the chicken or the beef since mom was having the cancer?” We had an entire conversation about the fact that my other aunt made it seem like cancer is a menu item. My momma wonders if she has five malignant spots because she just had to go back for more. She also asked if having cancer is like eating eggs. You fry some up in the morning, but you’re hungry by noon. Are there times in the day where she is cancer free?

This is how most things work in my family. We either over-analyze the word choices people make, or we have to make inappropriate jokes about situations. We often chose to do both. An example of this would be whenever people ask my mom where my dad is, she responds with “In the grave.” This is why I am an asshole. We just want to know how my other aunt makes her verbal choices. She says shit like this all the time. She can make a statement and we are filled with a whole host of questions.

The lesson learned by this whole encounter is that when offered cancer at a buffet, either say no or don’t go back for seconds. Don’t make the same mistake my mother did. She went back five times. Some people…they just never learn.

-Jess

---