Charts and Graphs!

I think I need a hobby, or at least a new one. I keep strange hours since I am not gainfully employed and the Internet works the graveyard shift. It is because of this that I believe that I need to take up a hobby or several. This is what I usually do to pass the time:

• I watch Dr. Who, Firefly or an assortment of movies that we own. I refuse to call this a hobby because I think it would kill my mother.
• I read a book, but I won’t call this a hobby either. It is a genuine love. I like to make myself reading lists. I try to work with themes whenever possible. The reading lists are something I am comfortable with deeming a hobby. The current theme that I am working with is “Books that I need to finish either because I started them and got distracted or because they do not belong to me.” I’m currently reading Wuthering Heights because I always get distracted by other books (I’m looking at you, Jane Eyre). I just want to finally read that book straight through without stopping to read something else. I’ve already technically failed this time around because of that rogue, David Sedaris. I’m going to let it slide because I read almost have of Me Talk Pretty One Day while waiting for Julie to get ready. Next up will be Ender’s Game.
• I spend a fair amount of my time trying to teach my bunny tricks. He hasn’t learned anything yet. The biggest obstacle that we have is that he doesn’t want to learn and I don’t want to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do. I mean, he’s a rabbit. He’s not going to give the world cold fusion if I make him learn his science. The best I can hope for is that he can open an envelope or shit in only one corner of his cage. I don’t push the issue because I’m not too good to open my own mail and he can shit where ever he wants to in his own home.
• I make charts and graphs. I do this almost compulsively. It is how I can best understand information. I have passed this on to a few of my friends. I created a line graph for one of my friends after she broke up with her boyfriend. She wanted to know when her relationship ended and I confidently responded, “May 3rd.” It was true and it all made sense. We were able to accurately see that the relationship suffered irreparable damage on May 3rd and never recovered. We continued to graph such things as the severity of the problems that they had had, but the night ultimately ended up with me creating a bar graph of my favorite pies for them to observe.

So this brings us to my current predicament. I am a compulsive charter with a strong fondness for graphs. I graph some useful things. The break-up example is one of them. But I also graph useless things (yes, like the fucking pies). I have graphed the frequency of which I eat certain foods so that I can remember what I put in my gob everyday. I have graphed reasons why I do not like things. I once hauled out every item of clothes that I own and made a pie chart of their colors so that I could decide what my favorite color is (answer: a toss up between green and black. I disqualified black because everybody looks better in black and I have a poor body image, ergo I wear black clothes because they can hide a whole host of evils. Green, therefore, won by default and was closely followed by blue since that is the color of my Pi shirts.)

I have made all of these charts and/or graph in order to answer questions I have had, but today was different. I hit a new low, my darlings. Here is what I did.

"Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks" -Dr. Dre

Yes. I made myself a Venn diagram to visually display a Dr. Dre song. I tried my best to determine what the correct ratio of bitches to hoes to tricks would be and where their logical intersection points would lie. I am allowing a margin of error because this was completed to amuse me for the span of about three minutes. It worked and I am now left with shame. I was about to show a line graph that I had made showing how ashamed I am, but it felt like a bit much.

I really think I should find something else to amuse myself with. I could start sewing again, but I don’t really have the space right now. I have been wanting to learn how to do bead work because I don’t want to spend $50 on Luna Lovegood’s radish earrings since I would have to amend them anyway (my ears are gauged). I know that the Internet will take offense to the projects that I want to make. I want to make radish earrings, a celery stalk broach, and possibly a rabbit bracelet. I will also make him a cicada since he is such a fan of them. I want to figure out how to screen print, but I’m hesitant that I will just make a great big mess. I just really want to make a Tesla shirt. I know how to crochet, but I am too…what’s the word…neurotic for it. I need all of the stitches to be EXACTLY the same size. I think that I will demand that Julie thinks up hobbies for me and then I’ll see how it goes. Just remember, “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.”

-Jess

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